


October the 31st

by a_single_plum



Series: October the 31st [1]
Category: Friday the 13th Series (Movies), House M.D.
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crossover, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-10-30
Packaged: 2018-02-23 06:36:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2537879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_single_plum/pseuds/a_single_plum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wilson's throwing a Halloween party at the family cabin. What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	October the 31st

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for Halloween last year. It was inspired by Canada's Wonderland; the prompt 'Halloween' at hw_prompts on Livejournal; the Robot Chicken segment 'Scooby Doo Meets Jason Voorhees'; and of course, the awesomely bad 'Friday the 13th' movies, especially Part 3 and Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.
> 
> Enjoy, and remember...don't go swimming at Camp Crystal Lake! :D

 

It was a clear October day, sunny and not too cold. Wilson was driving along the highway to his parents' cottage, cheerfully singing along to the radio.

"Would you shut up," House grumbled from the passenger seat.

"No way," Wilson said. "We're out on the open road, it's Halloween - "

"And I still don't understand why we're spending Halloween at _your_ parents' house with _my_ employees and the boss lady," House interrupted.

"It's my parents' cottage," Wilson corrected. "They offered to let me stay this summer, but I couldn't get away. And you know Chase and Cameron were talking about having a little Halloween party. So I thought it might be fun to have it at the cottage instead."

"It'll be the worst party ever," House said.

"It will not," Wilson said. "We'll have booze, candy, and a bonfire."

"We could make Thirteen and Cuddy dance around it naked in honor of Halloween's pagan origins," House said. "Maybe there is hope."

Wilson smiled and turned the radio up louder.

*****

"So this is the cottage," House said, studying the two-story log cabin. It had a small yard with a firepit. A strip of beach ran along the water's edge, and a short dock jutted into the lake. "Does it have all the comforts of home? You know, indoor plumbing, cable, broadband?"

"Yes, no, and no," Wilson said. "There's no TVs, but I think there's a radio."

"Oh God," House said.

"Well, it is supposed to be a place to get away from it all," Wilson said. He turned as they heard cars pulling up. "Ah, there's the rest of them."

Chase, Cameron, Cuddy, Foreman, Taub, and Thirteen piled out of the two cars they'd brought. After everyone had exchanged greetings and sorted out their bags, Wilson led them all inside.

"Kitchen, living room, bathroom," he said, gesturing at each room. "There are two bedrooms upstairs. You guys can sort out who's going where."

As the others wandered off to explore the property or unpack, House glared at Wilson.

"Well, this just keeps getting better," he said.

"I know," Wilson said apologetically. "But it's only two days, and there's a pull-out couch in the living room. You'll have more space that way, anyway."

"So where are you sleeping?" House asked.

"Well, I was planning on the bathtub," Wilson said sarcastically. "Instead, I'll sacrifice my own comfort and well-being and sleep on the floor down here to keep you company."

House rolled his eyes, but Wilson could tell he was trying not to smile.

"Wanna go for a walk down to the water?" Wilson asked. "It's not far."

"Nah," House said. "I'm starving. You go play Boy Scout and I'll explore the kitchen."

He headed off to the kitchen. Wilson went outside.

*****

The last bit of daylight was almost gone by the time House got the fire going. "See?" he said proudly. "I told you there was nothing to worry about."

"An explosion is nothing to worry about?" Cuddy asked, taking a few tentative steps closer to the firepit.

"It was a small explosion," House said. "If you want to see a big explosion, come to my room later."

"Nice try, House," Cuddy said. She patted his cheek.

Laughing and joking, the group settled down to roast hot dogs over the flames. Everyone had brought various drinks and snacks. By the time the food was gone and they were all in various stages of intoxication, it was late. Clouds had drifted in, making the moonlight cast eerie shadows. Mist was beginning to rise off the lake.

Cameron and Chase, holding hands, slipped away from the group. They walked down to the water and along the beach until they were alone. Chase switched on the flashlight he'd brought and gestured to the sand.

"Shall we?" he asked.

"Why not?" Cameron giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck. They half-laid, half-fell onto the ground, kissing passionately.

Neither of them noticed the masked figure holding a knife until it was too late.

*****

"Did you hear that?" Thirteen tilted her head.

"I didn't hear anything," Foreman said.

"Maybe it was an owl," Thirteen said. "Or I'm hearing things." She gave Foreman a seductive smile. "I am pretty drunk."

They were sitting at the end of the dock. Everyone else had already gone inside.

"We should go in," Foreman said, nuzzling Thirteen's neck.

"Let's stay out here a bit longer," Thirteen said. She sighed and nestled closer to Foreman. "I like this."

"I never thought you'd be the wilderness type," Foreman said.

Thirteen laughed. "I told you I was drunk."

"Hey, who's that?" Foreman asked.

Thirteen followed his gaze. A tall figure lurked behind them. Thirteen noticed the knife seconds before the stranger plunged it into Foreman's back. She tried to stand, and scream, but the stranger pushed her into the water.

*****

"The sunrise here is supposed to be really amazing," Wilson said. "Want to get up early and watch it?"

House stared down at Wilson, who was fussing with the blankets on his air mattress.

"Are you _trying_ to give me nightmares?" he asked.

"I guess that's a no," Wilson said. He got up to turn off the lights, then flopped back down onto the mattress.

*****

Cuddy was almost asleep, but the sound of a door slamming, followed by a loud thud, made her sit up. She opened the bedroom door and looked down the short hallway towards the other bedroom.

A tall figure stood in the hall. His face was covered by an old-fashioned goalie mask and he held a large butcher knife dripping blood.

Cuddy screamed and ran for the stairs. She didn't make it.

*****

"Oh God!"

Wilson dropped to his knees beside Cuddy, frantically searching for a pulse although he knew he wouldn't find it. He ran down the hall and pushed open the door to the other bedroom. Taub lay on the floor, surrounded by blood. And he realized Chase, Cameron, Thirteen, and Foreman were all missing and presumably dead, too.

Wilson got to his feet, his heart pounding. He and House had to leave now.

*****

"We're screwed," Wilson said. The cars' tires were slashed, and none of the phones worked. He and House were huddled in the kitchen, trying to decide what to do next.

"Damn right, and it's your fault," House said. "You were the one who insisted on dragging us to the creepy deserted lake with the psycho killer!"

"My parents said he was gone," Wilson said. "They told me he hasn't been here in years, and he's not supposed to be here now, anyway!"

"You _knew_ there was a psycho killer here?" House shouted.

"No!" Wilson said. He took a deep breath. "House. You know the stories about Jason Voorhees?"

"Of course," House said. "The Friday the 13th murders."

"Exactly," Wilson said. "Well, Jason Voorhees is my cousin."

For once, House was speechless. All he could do was stare wide-eyed at Wilson.

"We don't like to talk about it," Wilson continued. "Anyway, he hasn't been seen in years, and he's only ever killed people on Friday the 13th. We all thought he was dead, or at least gone. I thought it would be okay." He lowered his head. "I was wrong. House, I'm so sorry."

"Well, I guess it's not all your fault," House said in a conciliatory tone. He paused, then added, "So Jason Voorhees is really your cousin? That's kind of cool."

"He killed all of our friends," Wilson said. "He's trying to kill us! It's not cool!"

"Is anyone in your family normal?" House asked thoughtfully.

"No," Wilson said. He opened a drawer, rummaged around, and pulled out a steak knife and a pair of scissors. "Okay. He's probably still upstairs, so if I go up and surprise him - "

"Your plan sucks," House said. "I can't go up there to help you, so therefore you are not going up there."

"Do you have a better idea?" Wilson asked.

"Of course," House said, shrugging. "We lure him down and kick his ass."

*****

House slumped at the bottom of the stairs, clutching his leg.

"Damn you, Wilson!" he yelled. "How could you just abandon me to save your own sorry ass? I hope he kills you slowly and painfully!"

He heard footsteps in the hallway above. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Jason at the top of the stairs. Jason began making his way down, one step at a time.

House waited until Jason was a few steps away, then he scrambled to his feet as fast as he could and limped into the living room. Jason followed, moving faster now. He came around the corner and Wilson swung a frying pan at his head. The pan hit Jason's skull with a clunk.

Jason staggered sideways and fell down.

"You okay?" House asked.

"Yeah," Wilson said. "You?"

"Yeah," House said. "Time to finish this thing."

Wilson knelt and began to tie Jason's arms with an extension cord. House went to retrieve his backpack, where he'd stashed a couple of liquor bottles that he'd decided to sacrifice as weapons. Just as he grabbed it, he saw Jason sit up and swing his hands, slamming into Wilson's chin and knocking him backwards. House dropped the bag and hurried back towards Wilson.

"Hey, Voorhees," House yelled.

Jason turned his head.

"Your mom wore that mask last night," House said with a leer.

Jason picked up his knife and stood up, as House had hoped he would. Jason began walking towards him. House slowly stepped back, not taking his eyes off Jason. He managed to grab his backpack again and glanced over to see if Wilson was awake yet.

Jason lunged, his knife arm outstretched. His momentum carried him forward, and he stabbed the blade into the back of the couch. With a momentary advantage, House dug his hands into Jason's throat and squeezed. Jason elbowed House and tried to break free. As they struggled, he managed to pull out his knife.

"Jason!" Wilson called.

House and Jason both looked over. Wilson was on his feet again with scissors in one hand.

"Any time, Wilson," House said through gritted teeth.

Jason slashed at House's arm with his knife. It only grazed House's skin, but it was enough for him to twist out of House's grip. Wilson rushed towards them and thrust the scissors into Jason's stomach.

"Help me get him to the bathroom," Wilson said.

House leaned down to pick up his cane just as Jason yanked out the scissors and lunged at Wilson, knife raised. Wilson stepped back. House swung his cane at Jason and hit him in the side of the head. He did it a few more times, until Jason toppled over again.

"I hope it works this time," he said.

"Me, too," Wilson said.

They each grabbed one of Jason's arms. Awkwardly, they dragged him to the bathroom. They looked at each other.

"Ready?" Wilson asked.

"Looking forward to it," House said.

Wilson grunted as he pulled Jason to the toilet and dunked his head in. House flushed.

Jason's arms suddenly flailed and he tried to sit up. House joined Wilson in holding his head down. They alternated flushing until Jason's body went limp.

"No pulse," House said.

Both he and Wilson let go of Jason and leaned back, breathing hard. They sat silently for a while, shoulders touching, thinking over the night's events.

"Hey, Wilson," House said finally. "It's almost dawn." He gave Wilson a tentative smile. "I hear the sunrise is, quote, really amazing."

Wilson smiled back.

Together, they went outside and found a spot on the beach to watch the sun come up over the water.


End file.
